Talking things up? Stop trying to delude yourself and us

Over the years, I’ve gone through phases of ‘talking things up’, trying to be positive all the time. I’d say it was to create a good working atmosphere.

Now I know, for me anyway, it was about wanting to be liked and a deep desire to belong, to be accepted.

Also, I believed that if I was positive and nice to people, they’d be nice to me and not call me out when I messed up or fell short of expectations.

It wasn’t the real me and it didn’t work; they seemed to call me out more! When people spot insecurity, they lean into it.

Having experienced this in myself, I detect it in others. I see people talking things up everywhere.

Times are tough, fair enough. But constantly talking things up doesn’t work if you are a leader, and talking things down is a culture killer. I’m going to explain why.

But first, here’s a useful alternative that has enabled me to get over myself and be straightforward in difficult situations.

This is a real story from Jim Collins’ book, Good to Great. Jim Stockdale was a US fighter pilot shot down over enemy territory in 1965. He was held as a prisoner of war for eight years.

Later in life, he became a US senator and was interviewed by Collins while he was writing his book.

Asked how he got through his ordeal, Stockdale replied that he had deep faith that he would prevail in the end, while confronting the most brutal facts of his situation. Collins named that the Stockdale Paradox.

Stockdale mentally weaved the path between optimism and pessimism, having tragically observed fellow prisoners over the years. The optimists thought their ordeal would end soon and died of despair when it didn’t. The pessimists soon lost all hope and met the same fate, though much earlier.

Do you believe you are going to succeed and what are the most brutal facts of your situation? Stockdale has us working on both.

When coaching leadership teams, I often hear people say: “We can’t do anything about that; it’s out of our control.”

Firstly, the notion that they have control over anything outside of themselves seems to me to be illusory.

Second, you can always do something, even if it’s just having a conversation with someone you think can exert influence.

So, once you’ve identified the most brutal facts of your situation, work out a simple way forward for each issue and get on with it – that way you’re confronting the problem.

It’s even better to do this with your team. Diversity of thought is a multiplier and engagement enables swifter execution.

In Stockdale’s story, the optimists died of a broken heart. OK, that was in an extreme situation, but what about over-optimism in the workplace?

If, as a leader, you’re constantly talking things up, you’ll end up creating a culture of “it’s the way we do things round here”.

That’s when people start to hide their difficulties or mistakes. To do otherwise would have them seen as negative.

Leaders and managers need to know about situations before those situations become costly shocks.

Talking things up leads to cover-up, and construction contracting is about effective risk management – which is impossible when viewed through rose-tinted spectacles.

The people around you aren’t daft. They know when things are difficult. Talking things up only undermines your credibility with them.

Here’s a made-up scenario, based on my years of coaching experience. I’m coaching a leadership team where the boss talks things up at length.

On one such occasion, I notice a member of his team, Nathan, looking at me.

I interrupt the boss and say: “Nathan, you’re looking at me.” He shakes his head and looks down to the floor. The boss then continues.

On his way out to the tea break, Nathan says to me: “Is he for real?”

It takes another six months and a major incident before Nathan finally confronts his boss’ “toxic positivity”.

I ask him why it took so long to speak up and he says: “Everyone on the team and [his] boss were saying the same about him. Why was it left to me?”

Leadership is said to be about navigating stormy seas while totally rebuilding the ship. Navigating stormy seas is running the day-to-day business, while rebuilding the ship is bringing about change.

If everything is already great, then who would want to change it? Talking things up leads to complacency.

Also, can you imagine talking things up in stormy seas? The crew would throw you overboard!

Talking things up is hard on you. Sometimes things are just off, not right, and having to be positive all the time is a tough act to maintain.

Being vulnerable, telling it like it is, and being authentic is a leadership attribute – embrace it. Vulnerable is an emotion and emotion motivates.

So, if you find yourself tempted to talk things up, pause and get real – engender a deep faith that you will prevail while at the same time confronting the most brutal facts of your reality.

Dave Stitt FCIOB is a chartered civil engineer, and professional certified coach at DSA Building Performance.