Relationships matter at work – here’s why

“Everything in the world is connected and it is the relationship between things rather than the things themselves that is the primary determinant of desirable or undesirable outcomes.”^[1]

Construction companies want desirable outcomes: projects done on time; satisfied customers and repeat business; important infrastructure built; profit.

And at the same time, they want to avoid undesirable outcomes: loss-making projects; hacked-off clients; new buildings unfit for purpose.

So, what’s the main focus: relationships or things?

Some 20 years ago I coached the board of an international contractor. The 10 participants sat on chairs in front of me in a conference room.

I asked each of them what a great outcome would be from this two-day event.

The first nine all talked about the need for something solid and tangible, a good action plan, things to drive the business forward.

Several talked about operational things, while others mentioned the dire state of the market and the need to get ahead of the competition.

Last to go was the managing director, Jim. “Yes, I get all that,” he said. “But how about we just spend two days together, getting to know each other and building our relationships? We never get the chance to do that because we’re all so busy.”

I liked Jim. His wisdom reminded me of an insight that changed my approach to business and my life.

Five years earlier I was a senior manager in a construction company trying to reinvent itself.

Starting with the main board, all 2,000 staff went through a two-day programme. I was in one of the early cohorts.

The first concept we learned was that relationships are the foundation of all results. Here is how I remembered it and have used it since.

The coach started by drawing a rectangle with the word ‘results’ in it. She asked if we could all get behind the notion that we come to work to achieve results. Most of us said: “Yes, obviously.”

When invited, some of us shouted out the kind of results we were after: “get concrete pour done”; “build successful project”; “make money”; “successful career”; and more.

She then drew a slightly longer box under ‘results’ and in it wrote ‘action’.

She told us that results don’t happen by themselves. You have to take action. Again, we all agreed. It seemed obvious.

She pointed out that when results don’t happen, it’s stressful, like wading through treacle. So, usually, we turn to bigger, harder, faster actions. We agreed again, and she asked what that looks like in practice.

We were engaged now, so there were lots of responses – “throw money at the job”; “work longer hours”; “shout at the subcontractors”; “argue with the designers” etcetera.

She then drew another slightly longer box under ‘action’ and wrote ‘opportunity’ in it.

She explained that in order for us to take action, we need opportunities to take action. Opportunities, she said, manifest in the real world and we can see them and touch them. She gave an example (note that this is 1996, prior to email).

“Let’s say my result today is to communicate with a friend in Australia,” she said. “My action is to write a letter. The opportunities, the solid things I need, are pen, paper, envelope and the postal service.”

I was intrigued, wondering where this was going.

She then drew another box under ‘opportunities’ and in it wrote the word ‘possibilities’.

“In order to have opportunities, we need possibilities,” she said. “Possibilities are different, in that they reside in our head, they’re ideas and thoughts. You can’t see or touch them because they don’t yet manifest in the world.”

I was starting to feel confused now.

She went on: “We all have loads of ideas and thoughts, possibilities for the situations we find ourselves in, but for various reasons we mainly keep them to ourselves.

“Let’s say you have a brilliant idea. It’s a bit risky and could lead to ridicule. Who in your life would you share it with?”

She let the question settle in amid our blank looks.

“Come on, who?” she prompted.

“My wife,” I said. Others answered in a similar vein: friends, family, trusted colleagues.

“Right,” she said. “Someone you trust, who will listen to you. Someone you have confidence in to support and understand you.”

We agreed.

“In other words,” she went on, “someone with whom you have a good relationship?”

This, too, we agreed on.

So, she drew a wider box under ‘possibilities’ and wrote ‘relationships’.

“So that’s it,” she said. “The foundation of all results is relationships. That’s because relationships are where new possibilities come from. And new possibilities throw up new opportunities to take action.

“The stronger and more plentiful your relationships, the more plentiful your opportunities for action will be, and the better your chances of finding the right actions to achieve the results you want.”

Yes, we agreed, that made sense.

“So, the next time the results you want are not happening,” she said, “rather than diving into bigger, harder, faster actions, step back and ask yourself whether the relationships around here are big enough to deliver what we are trying to deliver.

“Your answer will almost certainly be no, and you’ll have to do some relationship building.”

That realisation changed my approach to business, my career and, indeed, my life. I went on to become an internal coach in that organisation and one other before setting up my own coaching business more than 20 years ago.

I have tested this concept hundreds of times since with many leadership teams.

I ask them to think of the best project in their career, one where everything just seemed to work out, and what they thought made it so. Almost everyone replies that it was the people and the relationships.

Jim instinctively knew this and so do you.

So, how much of your time at work and home do you spend working on relationships? Working ‘on’ the team, rather than ‘in’ it, doing tasks?

Remember: “Everything is connected and it’s the relationship between the things [people] rather than the things [people] themselves that is the primary determinant of desirable or undesirable outcomes.”

Dave Stitt FCIOB is a chartered civil engineer, and professional certified coach at DSA Building Performance.

[1]. From Challenging Coaching: Going Beyond Traditional Coaching to Face the Facts, by Ian Day and John Blakey